Changes

I once was a single mom.

There was a time when my parents had to purchase Jaelyn’s formula. The day I had to return birthday gifts for me, so I could buy my son diapers, is a day I will never forget. I’ve went weeks where the only food I ate was Ramen noodles. I’ve worked double shifts, three and four days in a row just to make ends meet. I never received help from Jaelyn’s biological father. My parents were his father, they picked up the extra slack.

There was a time when Jaelyn was all I had.

I was alone and scared. Trapped in my own head, constantly worrying if I was doing the right thing. Always doubting my maternal instincts. My stomach in shambles, day after day. Making myself physically ill by worrying over things I had no control over. I knew there was nothing I could do to change my current situation but work my ass off on a daily basis and strive for a better life. So that’s what I did.

Every day I walked into work with a smile on my face. I was there for a paycheck. I was hired to do a job and no matter how much I hated every minute of being away from Jaelyn, I knew this was the only way we could make it.

My hard work paid off but not how I expected.

My employer never recognized my dedication or awarded my hard work without a prompt from my Union Representative. I worked a mediocre job with low pay and high drama. I expected too much from the workplace and got even less than other employees had warned me about.

The whole time I was busting my ass off, without recognition from my supervisors, Brandon was watching. He took note of my work ethic. He loved how much effort I put into my customer service skills. He enjoyed watching me smile and laugh at the horrible jokes customers would share. He noticed me.

Within weeks we were dating. No one believed in us, they said it wouldn’t last.

Within months we were living together. They said it would just lead to a messier break up.

The look on their faces when we got married was priceless. The same look we get now, five years later, while we’re still going strong and they’ve all filed for divorce.

The whispers when I quit my job. How could we survive with 3 kids and only Brandon working? By minding our own damn business.

They don’t know Brandon like I do. He would do anything for his family. If that meant changing careers and spending days away from us to earn a higher paycheck, then that’s what it meant.

We don’t live a lavish lifestyle, that’s not for us. We’re rich in love and as long as you have that, everything else works itself out in the end.

Life has the potential to be a Disney movie, if you allow it. Just not the one where animals come in and clean your house or tiny flying fairies save the day.

You aren’t alone in whatever struggle you’re facing. The struggle doesn’t last forever. Things change, people grow up, learn from mistakes, give everything your all and love like you’ve never been hurt before.

Sometimes it only takes one person, one day to change everything.

Look how Brandon changed my life.

Left Unshared

Some days are pleasant but most days seem longer than usual and every day is a new battle. There’s always something to do, somewhere to go or someone to visit.

Life with the Bearded J’s became more hectic when we assumed full responsibility of my aunt Lisa, who’s 49 years old and was born with Down Syndrome.

She was my childhood buddy, I remember spending summers at my Grandma’s house, with her. Lisa and I would color, play games or cards, sing karaoke and dance our hearts out. We would swim on sunny days or play Super Mario Bro’s on rainy days.

When Lisa came to live with us, I expected it to be like the summer’s we spent together, decades ago. Although those moments still happen, they are far and few; that’s not at all what normal life is like. I had no idea the amount of care and attention she would need and desire.

I don’t know if Lisa can still do all those things we used to do for so many summers because she won’t even try. She’s changed so much and it’s heartbreaking because her regression is highly noticeable.

Some days I think Lisa’s developing Dementia, which is common in adults with Down Syndrome. Other days I think she’s still confused about everything that happened with my Grandparents and the events leading up to her arrival at our home. But every day I know I’m going to have to reteach her something that she once knew how to do. And every day, Lisa wants to argue with everyone about anything.

Lisa loves to fight. Everyone needs a good argument every once in awhile but she needs it every day. They aren’t normal tiffs or sassiness that kid’s dish out- I would prefer those kind. These are full blown yelling and screaming at each other arguments, over nonsense. Half the time I’m not even sure what starts it and each time I don’t know how to end it. I say stop, I try to ignore her and I walk away, but she keeps going. There are times when I have to take the kids up stairs and turn music on because her screaming has made Jace cry and terrifies Jenna.

There have been times when Brandon has to step in and say “enough is enough,” and allows me to take a time out. Then there’s times when Brandon isn’t here and I can’t walk away from the problem. Those are the moments that scare me. Yes, I’m scared. Not of one person or one thing but of the whole scenario. I know it’s not normal. This isn’t how people live, this isn’t how my family lives but this is what our life has come to.

I’m scared because I don’t know what to do and I don’t know if all this will leave my kids emotionally scarred. Will they be better because of their time spent with Lisa or will she leave a negative impact on them? I’m scared because I don’t know the end game.

Do I wipe my hands clean of the situation? I can’t, Lisa doesn’t have anywhere else to go. Do I spend the rest of time living in fear of the repercussions from the decisions we made? I have to. I can’t turn my back on family, especially not Lisa.

I’ve read every article I can get my hands on, I’ve reached out to my Grandparents and other family members on how to cope with her but nothing has helped. This isn’t like raising a child where you can mold their behavior through therapy. Lisa is set in her ways and she won’t change a thing for anyone, there are no tricks that help. No matter how many times you say something, she’s going to do what she wants because that’s how her life has always been. Even in incidents that are life threatening, she does what she wants with no regards.

Lisa has taught me a lot about life. As a child she taught me empathy. As a teen she taught me sympathy. Now as an adult, she’s putting those two traits to the test.

My life hasn’t been funny lately, it’s been exhausting, hectic and HARD. Caring for Lisa has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and because most of Lisa’s shenanigans are not something I want to share -they don’t embrace her positive side- I have no place to vent.

I started writing as a form of therapy. When I needed someone other than Brandon to talk to, I have turned to you and it’s always worked. But I can’t completely open up about Lisa and what hurts worse, I can’t find any humor in what I’m going through with her.

In the beginning- I could laugh it all off. Her escapades seemed silly and still had shock value. I made excuses for her behavior, tried to cover it up and not let anyone see how badly she had regressed.

Six months later- I feel emotionally broken. Nothing shocks me now, I expect the worse going into everything with no hope of a better outcome; I know how she is.

At times I’m desensitized from it all. Then there’s moments of overwhelming emotions. It’s hard to explain but I do know that none of it brings forth humor.

Some things are better left unshared. I have always kept the best and worst Bearded J moments to myself, Lisa moments are no different.

I want to vent to you but I can’t. I just can’t.

I already feel like I’ve said too much.

 

I Do What I Wanna

Very few things piss me off. I can usually look at a situation, say “fuck it,” and walk away easily. I’m not hard to get along with, simply put if I don’t like you, I stay away from you. If you annoy me, I avoid you. If you offer unsolicited parenting advice and think it’s ok I may or may not throat punch you. I just can’t be held accountable for my actions once you throw advice in my face.

I know there are touchy subjects when it comes to parenting. I chose to NOT discuss those topics on my blog but at the same time I would like you to know where I stand on certain issues.

If I write something, it’s what works with MY family. So here’s a few things you may not know about me and they may even piss you off but I don’t care because I’m not here for parenting advice. If I want advice I ask my Mom, not strangers.

With that said welcome to my small mind…

1. NONE of my kids were breastfed. I never got milk, meds and techniques didn’t prompt anything. I tried with all 3 and it never happened. My kids were ALL bottle fed and they seem to be doing just fine.

2. I will not homeschool my kids. I believe socializing with peers is a big part of childhood. If you choose to homeschool, more power to you. I don’t feel smart enough to teach my children, I’d rather them receive an education from someone who is trained to do so. My kids will never be a Kimmie Schmitt, tucked away underground alone for years, being taught by a dumbass.

I know kids who were homeschooled and as much shit as I may catch for this; some of them are weird, they live in their own little bubble and walk around waiting for the world to adjust to them. That’s not how life works, and if they attended a regular school they might have figured it out earlier in life.

3. I immunize my children. I believe the benefits outweigh the side affects. If you don’t want to immunize, thats on you. In the event of an outbreak my kids will be protected. It’s like wearing a seat belt. Why not do something that can prevent your death? Whatever your decision was, I don’t care because it ain’t got shit to do with me.

4. I don’t tolerate excessive bullying. There’s a fine line with getting teased and being bullied. A little teasing from peers is good for kids. Excessive bullying is not. Life isn’t always easy, there’s always going to be mean people. We need to allow our kids skin to toughen up. But we don’t want to break their spirit. It’s a fine line to teeter on, trust me I’ve teetered it already.

5. I am completely against co-sleeping. None of my children slept in our bed. It’s a hard habit to break and I enjoy sleeping. Brandon’s lucky he’s allowed to sleep in the bed with me.

6. Co-bathing is disgusting to me. I have nothing else to add to this, I avoid all conversations related to this topic because it grosses me out. No matter how innocent you may see it, I believe it blurs the line of right and wrong and can confuse a child. This is MOST DEFINITELY not up for debate.

I grew up in a time where not every cut needed a band aid. Not every story was told to my mom. The streetlights were my curfew. I played outside alone. I rode my bike in the street. I peed outside. I rolled around in dirt. I ate “ABC” gum off the sidewalk. I don’t remember ever riding in a carseat. I never looked both ways before crossing the street.

AND I’M STILL ALIVE!

I want every parent to know you have to do what’s best for your family. These are my thoughts and my views. What works in my house probably will not work in yours. That’s how diversity thrives and I never want it die.

Don’t lecture me and I won’t lecture you.

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#1000Speak Amazing Compassion for Horrible Grammar

“I seen it”

“You SAW it. It’s your grammar. She doesn’t like you because your grammar sucks.”

Tears instantly ran down my face. My heart gained fifteen pounds in five seconds. The words on my phone became blurred. I no longer cared what he had to say. I needed to walk away.

My heart hurt.

There was no reason to reply to him, it wasn’t his fault. He hadn’t been hackling with the hens about why I wasn’t invited to the new blogging group. He didn’t want to be in the middle but that’s exactly where he was- right dab in the middle of my heart ache. But it wasn’t his words that hurt, it was hers.

I sobbed for hours.

She was friendly to my face which gave her words the ability to slice my heart in half.

Tears slowly escaped one by one for days.

Time spent writing was time wasted in vain. It’s time I can’t get back, time that could have been spent with my husband and children.

I sulked for weeks.

Quitting was the most viable option. If every blogger lacked compassion, walking away would be easy.

Then again, I’m no quitter. And I am firm believer that no two people are exactly alike.

Announcing to my blogging crew the possibility of my departure was harder than telling my Puerto Rican father I was pregnant out of wedlock.

The “no, you can’t leave” I expected was actually “no, you aren’t leaving” from them. Their reaction melted my heart. I felt wanted.

 

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These are people I have never met. People who could walk pass me on the street and not recognize me. People who have never heard my laugh or seen me smile. People who like me for who I am.

These are people I adore.

Within days of being told my grammar sucked The Original Bunker Punks (the actual website) created something to not only make me feel better but to help others in similar situations.

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The Original Bunker Punks (their Facebook page) have stood by me and created a movement in order to spread compassion across the blogging community.

These people have taken me under their wings and taught me the tidbits of knowledge I should have acquired in school. The compassion in their criticism is crucial. Each of them have helped me become a better writer because of something they have done or said along the way. I have flourished because of them.

For that, I am forever thankful.

Without compassion from The Original Bunker Punks I would not be here writing this right now.

#BunkerPunksForLife

 

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Now it Matters

It never mattered before.

It’s always been a stupid holiday for stupid people in love, it was never for me. I never had a boyfriend on Valentines Day or even a date. I was never anyone’s Valentine. No pity parties allowed because never receiving a gift means never having to buy one. My glass is always half full- with booze of course.

Being forever alone wasn’t THAT bad.

My Mom bought me gifts as a child but that doesn’t count. It’s like taking your cousin to a dance. No one may know you’re cousins but you know and it’s enough to make you feel like a loser.

My Mother has always been an amazing gift giver. Every present from her is perfect,  it’s exactly what you never knew you wanted, and you have no idea how you ever lived without it. I loved her gifts but yearned for more from the boys at school.

By the time middle school rolled around other girls were getting gifts from their boyfriends. Small boxes of chocolates, cards, balloons and some were even lucky to get stuffed animals. But that wasn’t me.

Even in high school I didn’t have many boyfriends. There were more friends who were boys than there were boyfriends. I wasn’t a complete loser but I never had a guy lined up on Valentine’s Day.

My ex-husband bought me a gift once. I can’t remember what it was so therefore it doesn’t count. The gift was overshadowed by him spending the previous night at a strip club in Tijuana. I was infuriated that my gift may have been accompanied by herpes. In lieu of the events leading up to the present exchange, his gift is irrelevant. In fact, let’s just consider the whole marriage null and void.

One disappointment after another.

But it all changed for me in 2009.

That was my first Valentines Day with Brandon. Jaelyn was 14 months old and I had been dating Brandon for about 9 months.

We lived together, we worked together, we had the same days off, so we spent all our time together. Love was in the air.

Brandon could have given me the prize out of a Cracker Jack box and I wouldn’t have cared. My expectations of the holiday were at an all time low. I braced myself for the worst.

But It’s still one of my most favorite holidays we’ve spent together.

Brandon gave me flowers. The roses were hot pink with veins showing through on each petal giving them a zebra print  pattern. I walked by similar roses a millions times in the stores and commented on the pattern. The hot pink flowers were always my favorite.

Brandon listened to me.

The chocolate was in a frilly red heart. Ferrero Rocher a personal favorite.  What’s not to love about a delicious little ball of chocolate filled with a wafer,  creamy chocolate and a hazelnut? They melt in your mouth with just the right amount  of crunch. Its amazing.

Brandon gets my love for hazelnuts.

The card was sweet. His personal message on the inside brought tears to my eyes. Such sweet and innocent words from a man declaring his undying love for me. No one had ever wrote sweet words to me and about me before. My heart smiled  for days.

Brandon knew what I needed to hear.

The actual gift was perfect. A pair of white gold open heart earrings from Kay Jewelers. I had been admiring them on the commercial for months. I love everything the Open Hearts Collection stands for.

“If you leave your heart open,  love will always find a way in.”

Brandon understands how important sayings like that are to me.

It wasn’t the gifts that meant so much to me. It was the meaning behind each one. They all held special place in my heart because of the hope they carried. Hope that I found someone who understands me, listens to me and wants to give me everything I want.

Brandon gave me hope, hope of a sweet forever spent together.

That year started a tradition. We ordered a pizza and watched a movie because that’s the kind of people we are. Neither of us need a fancy restaurant or expensive gifts, we just need each other.

We have spent every Valentines Day since, eating pizza and cuddled up on the couch watching whatever movie sounds good that particular night.

On that Valentine’s Day in 2009 I knew every year for the rest of my life I needed to be his Valentine.

I need to know someone understands me, listens to me and loves me- besides my Mom.

It never mattered before but it matters now because I’m one of those people who are stupid in love.

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The first Valentines Day card from Brandon.

 

Chiny-Chin-Chin

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The Beard, Brandon

Brandon would give me anything in the world, but he won’t let me see his chin.

We have known each other since we were 14 and 15 years-old. Back then he didn’t have a beard, for obvious puberty reasons. It seems like a lifetime ago, which is prolly why my memory has failed when it comes to what his chin once looked like.

While mentally visualizing a younger Brandon, recalling some facial features is easy. His eyes were soft and innocent but have hardened over the years and his once chubby cheeks have slimmed down but my mind is blank when it comes to his chin. His face is a puzzle and his chin is the missing piece.

We have childhood pictures of him. In almost every one it’s not a front face view. His head is turned to the side or his chin is tucked towards his neck. There are even some that have a shadow covering his chin. Brandon has probably made every chin picture disappear, like the Bearded Mafia would reject him if they ever saw his chin. Is this a conspiracy theory or am I paranoid?

When first realizing the memory of his chin had slipped away, my heart had broken. How could I forget what my husbands chin looks like? My love for him is deep and passionate. Countless hours have been spent yearning for his body and yet somehow a piece of it has slipped away.

Since Brandon has declared numerous times the beard is here to stay, no one will ever see his chin. To beard or not to beard has never been an issue. My love for him is beyond physical appearances, with or without it he owns my heart, always and forever.

But that beard though.

He has such a sexy beard. It has a unique color. There’s red, brown and even blonde strands swirled throughout it. Each strand is thick and coarse but when pulled together it feels much softer than it looks. It’s long enough to twirl with my fingers and play with. Every time I stroke it, he closes his eyes, tilts his head back and moans. His response to my touch makes the beard stroke experience much sexier.

Lineup 5 bearded guys and blindfold me. Allow me to touch only their beards and I could tell you which one is my husband. I know his beard like the back of my hand. 

The memory of Brandons chin may have slipped my mind but only because I have so many fond memories of his beard.

I’ve stroked his beard in other states. I’ve tugged on it jokingly. I’ve swirled it passionately. I even held it while we had our first kiss as a married couple.

Long live the beard and his chiny-chin-chin.

 

Unsolicited Parenting Advice

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I expected to take a cute selfie with the kids. 

Here’s one piece of solid advice for all parents. 

 

Lower your expectations. 

 

Then, just when you think they’re low enough, lower them a tidbit more. 

 

Turn on Uncle Kracker and follow me, everything will be alright. 

 

1. Wake-up time “The kids will sleep-in, they had a tiring day yesterday.” 

 

Are you crazy? Kids have everlasting energy, they can go days without sleep. Get over it because sleeping late is gone, it’s never coming back. When it does you’ve already hit the age when getting up early is cool. 

 

Go to bed the night before knowing your kids will be up before the sun. Stop playing with your own emotions. You can sleep when you’re dead. 

 

2. Breakfast time “Mommy’s making pancakes and bacon for you! “

 

Just stop right there. Don’t you dare make them shit. A bowl of cereal will be sufficient and even that’s too much. That way when they throw it at each other or you -that’s a possibility- you’re not as heartbroken. Don’t waste your time on a cooked meal, save your energy for the real catastrophes that are sure to follow.

 

Breakfast is usually rushed. Just throw a banana at the kids as they run to the bus stop and they become someone else’s problem. 

 

3. Play time “We can make a craft, then the kids can play by themselves for a bit.”

 

No you can’t. Crafty people expect entirely too much out of life. Delete your Pinterest app. If you’re feeling crafty just spill glitter on the floor, slap paint on your yoga pants and glue your hand to a table because that’s the end game. You aren’t walking away with a cute homemade craft. You’re doing the Pinterest walk-of-shame when you post craft pictures on Facebook.

 

Kids don’t play by themselves. If they do, they’re up to no good and you need to investigate immediately.

 

4. Lunch time “Maybe I’ll take the kids to McDonalds for lunch, playtime and free wifi.”

 

You’re fucking crazy. Nothing in this world is free. That “free” wifi has a hefty price tag. One that can only be paid for in dignity. Climbing to the top of the play area and back down with a screaming child is not worth it. Don’t go inside McDonalds without a proper escape route and even then expect it to fail. It will fail.

 

Skip going out to lunch all together. It’s disastrous, no matter what restaurant you pick. If you give your kids peanut butter and jelly every day for lunch, when you give them Ramen Noodles, they’ll thank you for a hot meal. 

 

5. Nap time “I’m going to nap with the kids today.”

 

Great idea, if they napped. Everyone needs to stop trying to make naptime happen. Even if it does, you have approximately 30 minutes. Take this time to make an afternoon cup of  coffee and check your email. That’s about all you have time for. 

 

If by some sudden stroke of luck you get more time, don’t clean. It’s a waste of time and energy. Kids are filthy animals who can destroy a clean house in 4 seconds. 

 

6. Dinner time “Im going to make a homemade pot roast with all the fixings so we can have a nice family dinner.”

 

The only way that homemade pot roast is going to work is if you tossed it in the slow cooker before breakfast. As for the “fixings,”  plain elbow macaroni with a slice of American cheese on top will do.

 

Be prepared to attend this “nice family dinner” donning riot gear because shit is about to get real. At this point, just order a pizza and pray for the best. 

 

7. Bed time “The kids should go to bed without incident tonight, they had a tiring day.”

 

You had a tiring day. They have energy stored for weeks. See number 1 for an explanation, go to bed and stop having such high expectations. 

 

You’re welcome. 

Motorboating Urns

 

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Thinking about life without Brandon every day is sad. No Brandon quirks, no gawking at my boobs, no pinky promises, no goodnight kisses, no random gropes, and no beard to stroke.

That’s devastating.

Our love is one of a kind. It’s deep, passionate, everlasting, forgiving, kind, sweet, honest, gentle, and pure.

It’s amazing. 

If Brandon was buried in a cemetery his grave would be a campsite. Don’t put it past our love.

Life would stop for me.

Days would not be the same without talking to Brandon. He doesn’t have to answer, he doesn’t have to voice an opinion, he doesn’t have to agree with me. He lends his ears when needed and that’s enough.

Listening has always been enough.

Brandon can be around for pillow talk, someone to turn to when the sky turns gray, or when a heart smiles. He can be there through it all -forever- if he’d agree to be cremated. 

He wanted to be buried. 

Brandon is allowing cremation if he gets flashed daily. He needs to gawk after death. 

I will motorboat his urn.

The Very Inspiring Blogger Award

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I was caught off guard with this award. How could I inspire anyone? I don’t know how I did it, but A Shot of Common Sense was inspired enough to think of me. That alone makes my heart smile. Thank you so much. I wish I had some fabulous speech prepared but I really have nothing,  I am completely speechless, which never happens.

 

In accepting my award there are a couple of things I must do. First, I must complete my interview. These questions were super hard and I didn’t want to disappoint anyone so I went with the first thing that popped in my head and just wrote everything I thought.


Welcome to my brain…

1. Why did you start your blog?

 

I started “Life With the Bearded J’s” as a place to tell my story. My life is full of crazy moments that I try to see the humor in. Facing really crappy situations with a smile and a joke is my way of coping. Writing about it and sharing it with you guys is an added bonus.

 

2. What book has touched you the most?

 

I have a huge confession,  I hardly ever read anymore. There was a time in my life I lived in books. I escaped reality through them. Lately,  reality has been better than any book. So I haven’t had to escape.

 

I remember my junior year in high school I took a literature class that required us to read “To Kill a Mockingbird.” It’s full of life lessons and I believe every teenager should be required to read it.

 

One of the biggest things I took away from that book was how important it is to stand up for what’s right, even if you’re standing alone. I live by that motto everyday.

 

3. If you could eat dinner with any famous person who is still alive, whom would you choose?

This is a hard question to answer. Famous people intimidate me, and I’m a Taco Bell drive thru kind of girl. I only enjoy sit down restaurants with Brandon. Generally we reserve sit down restaurants for special occasions. 

 

I guess I’d be down to take Norman Reedus to the Taco Bell drive thru with me, if I MUST. -I swear I was forced Brandon-

 

4. Where is the one place you have visited that gives you complete calmness?

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The cabin we rented.

 

Brandon and I rent a cabin for our anniversary weekend. We slip away to Brown County State Park. We leave all sense of responsibility behind and reconnect with each other. It’s really nice to have each others undivided attention.

 

The whole cabin in the woods isn’t usually my cup of tea. Every time we go I visualize the beginning of a cheesy horror movie.  Bugs, dirt and wild animals generally freak me out but with Brandon by my side, its actually quite fun.

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5. Are you a bucket list person? If so, name one thing on it?

 

I’m not really a bucket list person. When I want to do something, I do it. No need to wait till I’m on my death bed. 

 

6. What is the goal of your blog?

 

I honestly don’t have a goal. I guess one day it would be nice to generate income but if that never happens, I’m ok with it. Right now, I write for fun. I write because it eases my heart and relieves stress. That’s all I ever wanted to do, so I feel like I have already met the goal I set for it.

 

7. What is a well day spent to you?

 

A day spent vegging out on junk reality TV shows. No regrets. 

 

8. How do you start your day?

 

By checking my Facebook notifications. I lay in bed, clear out my notifications and wait for the kids to wake up. Once they’re up I go into full mommy mode for me. Get breakfast going, get Jaelyn to school and start my daily cleaning schedule. Yeah, I have a cleaning schedule.

 

9. What is your favorite holiday?

 

Fourth of July holds a special place in my heart. It was the night I told Brandon I loved him for the first time. I had no idea until recently but it’s also a favorite holiday for my parents because of similar reasons. Screw Valentines Day, fireworks is where the real romance lies.

 

10. Are you where you want to be professionally and if not, what will you do about it?

 

I’m a SAHM. I’m finally doing something that makes me happy and feel complete, every day. I’m my own boss, when the kids allow me to be. I work my own hours, as long as the kids say it’s ok. I do what I want, as long as it makes my kids happy. I’m exactly where I need to be, at home with my kids because that’s where they want me.

 

11. What is your favorite quote?

 

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” – E.E. Cummings It’s kind of self explanatory, right?

The other thing I must do is nominate 5 other bloggers for this award

 

I nominate The Daily Rantings of an Angrivated Mom because we are so much alike it’s a bit creepy. I adore her because she allows me to do all the talking.


The lady behind Inappropriate Bursts of Laughter is such a kind soul and even through trying times she’s able to come out on top. She is a true inspiration.  


The author behind  Platypus Reviews is a very close friend of mine. He’s so nifty with technology it blows my mind away. His grumpy remarks would allow him to easily fit in at family dinner.


Recently I found out I am not the only one who struggles with texting and walking. So Very Shay,  made me feel normal within the first 5 minutes of knowing her and that’s not easy to do. 


Mother of Serendipity holds a special place in my heart. I adore her, her blog and her Facebook page. She’s always been super sweet and that is inspiring when you’re up against the mean girls on a daily basis.

Holiday Spirit?

 

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Christmas used to be my favorite time of the year. I loved the smells, the food and the togetherness. I loved the smile on people’s faces when they open gifts from me. I loved the Christmas Eve party with my family. Maybe it has something to do with my first real buzz coming from swigging the adults leftover booze. Ahh, the childhood memories.

This year it feels different. I’m not quite sure what it is but the spirits not there for me. The decorations around the house are annoying me as I try to keep them safe from Jaces grubby little hands. All I hear from my older 2 kids is “I want, I want, I want.” They aren’t spoiled but lately they sound like they may be getting there. I’m not looking forward to scrounging together cash to fill 12 cards for our nieces and nephews. All these things once brought me such joy.

Maybe it’s the major changes we’re all going through as a family. We are all adjusting to my Aunt moving in and not knowing if it’s forever or just temporary is hard. We are all getting to know eachother still. We never know what the next day will bring.

Maybe it’s the fact that this is the first year we have to scrounge together money for gifts. Robbing Peter to buy Paul a gift is no fun. Especially knowing that the money SHOULD be spent on paying off bills. But I can’t deny any of the kids in our family a gift. It may not be much but at least it’s something.

I need my funk to go away. I want to enjoy this time of the year. This is the first year in almost 4 years that my Grandparents will be in town. This will be the first year since I was around 12 that I will be opening gifts Christmas morning along side my Aunt. All reasons to have the holiday spirit, but I don’t. And I don’t know exactly why.

Maybe if I bake a bunch of Christmas cookies and eat all of them, I will feel better… or worse. Whatever, it’s a risk worth taking.