Screw a Peanut Allergy

I love peanut butter, I absolutely freakin’ love it but not the chunky kind. That’s made by a bunch of lazy folks. I mean, is it really “butter” if it has chunks in it? Creamy peanut butter all the way.

You know what’s not cool? Being married to a chunky lover. I’m glad he likes me that way but peanut butter doesn’t have any business being chunky. Mmhmm. Am I right or am I right? I’m right. I’m always right, ask my husband.

I’ll never forget the first time I served chunky peanut butter to Jaelyn. He was watching me make the sandwich and when I got it out of the pantry, he was like, “Whoa, that’s not peanut butter, what is that?”

I explained how chunky peanut butter meant it had chunks of peanuts in it. I tried my hardest to make it sound appealing but I was really trying to pawn the nasty crap off and keep the creamy goodness all to myself. It’s such a tasty treat, can you blame me?

Jaelyn flipped out saying, “I can’t eat that, it has peanuts in it, I’M ALLERGIC TO PEANUTS!”

Very dramatic especially considering he isn’t allergic to peanuts, AT ALL. Screw a peanut allergy in this family. They better drink some Robitussin and get over it real quick.

Jenna hates peanut butter. I have no idea where it manifested but it’s a travesty. What kind of kid doesn’t like peanut butter? A princess. Jenna doesn’t know I licked peanut butter off her silver spoon before she was born. That’s right, I did it. Don’t judge me, the struggle was and still is REAL.

Just the other day I was craving a PB&J. After many lazy hours, I finally got up to make one and discovered there wasn’t any peanut butter. I was devastated.

So I busted out in my best Sheryl Crow impersonation, “I ain’t seen the sun shine in three damn days!”

Jenna came running into the kitchen. She asked what I was singing about. I told her we were out of peanut butter. Her response? “Get a grip, I don’t even like peanut butter.”

IT ISN’T ALL ABOUT YOU JENNA. It’s about me and peanut butter. Don’t ever forget that, kid. There’s no shame in my peanut butter game. Creamy peanut butter for life.

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