Unsolicited Parenting Advice

I expected to take a cute selfie with the kids. 

Here’s one piece of solid advice for all parents. 

 

Lower your expectations. 

 

Then, just when you think they’re low enough, lower them a tidbit more. 

 

Turn on Uncle Kracker and follow me, everything will be alright. 

 

1. Wake-up time “The kids will sleep-in, they had a tiring day yesterday.” 

 

Are you crazy? Kids have everlasting energy, they can go days without sleep. Get over it because sleeping late is gone, it’s never coming back. When it does you’ve already hit the age when getting up early is cool. 

 

Go to bed the night before knowing your kids will be up before the sun. Stop playing with your own emotions. You can sleep when you’re dead. 

 

2. Breakfast time “Mommy’s making pancakes and bacon for you! “

 

Just stop right there. Don’t you dare make them shit. A bowl of cereal will be sufficient and even that’s too much. That way when they throw it at each other or you -that’s a possibility- you’re not as heartbroken. Don’t waste your time on a cooked meal, save your energy for the real catastrophes that are sure to follow.

 

Breakfast is usually rushed. Just throw a banana at the kids as they run to the bus stop and they become someone else’s problem. 

 

3. Play time “We can make a craft, then the kids can play by themselves for a bit.”

 

No you can’t. Crafty people expect entirely too much out of life. Delete your Pinterest app. If you’re feeling crafty just spill glitter on the floor, slap paint on your yoga pants and glue your hand to a table because that’s the end game. You aren’t walking away with a cute homemade craft. You’re doing the Pinterest walk-of-shame when you post craft pictures on Facebook.

 

Kids don’t play by themselves. If they do, they’re up to no good and you need to investigate immediately.

 

4. Lunch time “Maybe I’ll take the kids to McDonalds for lunch, playtime and free wifi.”

 

You’re fucking crazy. Nothing in this world is free. That “free” wifi has a hefty price tag. One that can only be paid for in dignity. Climbing to the top of the play area and back down with a screaming child is not worth it. Don’t go inside McDonalds without a proper escape route and even then expect it to fail. It will fail.

 

Skip going out to lunch all together. It’s disastrous, no matter what restaurant you pick. If you give your kids peanut butter and jelly every day for lunch, when you give them Ramen Noodles, they’ll thank you for a hot meal. 

 

5. Nap time “I’m going to nap with the kids today.”

 

Great idea, if they napped. Everyone needs to stop trying to make naptime happen. Even if it does, you have approximately 30 minutes. Take this time to make an afternoon cup of  coffee and check your email. That’s about all you have time for. 

 

If by some sudden stroke of luck you get more time, don’t clean. It’s a waste of time and energy. Kids are filthy animals who can destroy a clean house in 4 seconds. 

 

6. Dinner time “Im going to make a homemade pot roast with all the fixings so we can have a nice family dinner.”

 

The only way that homemade pot roast is going to work is if you tossed it in the slow cooker before breakfast. As for the “fixings,”  plain elbow macaroni with a slice of American cheese on top will do.

 

Be prepared to attend this “nice family dinner” donning riot gear because shit is about to get real. At this point, just order a pizza and pray for the best. 

 

7. Bed time “The kids should go to bed without incident tonight, they had a tiring day.”

 

You had a tiring day. They have energy stored for weeks. See number 1 for an explanation, go to bed and stop having such high expectations. 

 

You’re welcome.