First Love

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What is love?

 I know what love is to me. I know there are different kinds of love. There are different stages of love. It’s not just a feeling, its more than that. I also had to ponder what kind of love to write about; either the first family bonds ever created or the romanticism kind I often fantasize about. I’m a true romantic at heart.

I looked up the definition of love. I needed to know what society had determined was the generic, impersonal definition. There I was with the online Merriam-Webster definition right in front of my face. That impersonal and generic definition I was looking for was no where to be found. Why had I never looked this up before? It took me 30 years of hard lessons to determine what I read in five seconds online. I really should read more often.

The dictionary shows how there’s different kinds of love. I dont believe for one second that any given person in this world only has one first love. With every relationship I’ve been in, its always been a first love. I never dated the same kind of guy twice. They were all different in their own ways and each taught me something new about love and about myself.

 

Their was my first puppy love. He lived across the street from us. My mom, sister and aunt swore he admired me for years before I gave in. He was always mean to me throughout middle school. But the summer before my freshman year he started to look different to me. The boy was actually kinda cute.

That boy was my first kiss, first hug, first REAL boyfriend and the first guy I ever went out on a “date” with. He was the only date I ever had to ANY High School dances. Despite only being together for a year and a half, I consider him my high school sweetheart. It wasn’t until after we had broke up that we decided to loose our virginity to eachother. He will always have that part of me. A decision I have never regretted. 

We have remained friends over the years. The opportunity had arose to rekindle our flame but neither of us were interested. I don’t know his reasoning but I didn’t want to ruin what we already had. Adulthood brings a lot more drama than childhood. Having him as my high school sweetheart was and always will be enough. Besides, his last name rhymes with my first name. No way could I go through life as Jenny Denney.

When I was 16 I met this 19 year old online. (I lied about my age of course) My connection with him has always been a mental one. When we finally met it was an instant physical attraction that neither of us could deny but it always remained mental for me. He always knew the real me. I know if need be I can talk to him about anything. He’s older and wiser. To this day I cannot define our relationship. We have went months and years without talking. But when out of blue contact is made; after a quick catch up, it’s like we never stopped talking.

We had rough patches in our journey but no hard feelings were ever harbored. He’s always been a secret voice of reason to me. He’s always respected my relationships and understood my decisions. I’ve never been quit sure what I am to him and honestly it doesn’t matter. Whether he wanted to or not he taught me a lot about love. He was my first older and wiser love. Even if we were both young and dumb at the time.

This is where I would describe how my exhusband swept me off my feet and showed me unconditional love. But that’s not how his role in my life played out. When walking away from my other relationships I never felt inferior. That wasn’t the case here. He was my first love, that never really was love. 

Then there was my bad boy first love. My family hated him and there were times I did too. He was like a drug to me. I couldn’t get enough of him. We were a modern day Bonnie and Clyde. At one point in our relationship we both had warrants out for our arrest. Mine were no where near as bad as his and despite him being in and out of jail, I never was. I have never spent any time in jail. My family saved me from him. I needed saved from him.

The love that came from my relationship with Jaelyns biological father was strange. I was never in love with him. But I did and still do have some kind of love for him; he gave me my first born. I do not respect him as a person, a father, a son or a brother. But without him Jaelyn wouldn’t be here. He was my first baby daddy love. That was and will always be the extent of our relationship.

I could spend the next 96,139 words explaining the love I share with Brandon. He was my first I gave it my all love. He’s the father of my youngest two and stepped up as Jaelyns daddy as well. I have put everything I have into our relationship and plan on maintaining it forever. He may not be the first man I ever fell in love with but I guarantee you he is my last.

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5 thoughts on “First Love

  1. I appreciate the journey you took me on into the loves in your life. It makes me think of my own list from my past. And now I know why I waited so long to find my forever love. Great blog, I look forward to reading more from you. 😊

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