Guilty Pleasure

 

What’s your quilty pleasure?

When I was 17 years old I met what I thought to be an amazing man. He wasn’t but boy did I fall hard and fast for him. He was in the Navy (it was the dress whites) and I was in high school. It was doomed from the get go. It was the most humiliating and degrading relationship of my entire life.

We lived in Connecticut. He got orders to leave around Valentine’s Day for a new duty station in California. I didn’t know where those orders left me but I knew that when he left we were pretty much over. My mom told him that. He proposed before he left and I accepted. I guess we weren’t over yet. I was young and dumb.

We were married one month after I graduated high school. Two months after our wedding I was living in California with him. I had no family or friends anywhere near me. (That changed quickly, I made two of the best friends a girl could ask for) My ex husband was in and out of port all the time. I had no idea being a Navy Wife meant being alone. I was willing to spend the majority of my life alone and away from family if it meant I got to be married to him. I thought he was amazing so it was devastating when it all slowly came out that he wasn’t. He was addicted to pornography.

I remember the first incident like it was yesterday. My ex husband was out to sea. I went to check the mail and received my first cell phone bill since I moved out there. My ex would have duty days where he had to be ON the ship for 24 hours and I would give him my cell phone so he could call me in privacy instead of using the ships phone. When I opened my cell phone bill it was over $700. This was before Smart Phones; when cell phone bills were easily $29.99 a month. He had called 900 numbers and charged them to the phone bill. I was devastated because if he wanted to talk dirty to someone he could have called me. Oh wait, he did call me. He would call me and tell me goodnight and then 2 minutes later he would call the 900 numbers. What was wrong with me that he couldn’t turn to me for that? I cried for days. I was so hurt.

The phone bill was just the first of what turned out to be two years of a non-stop Pornography addiction. Thousands of dollars spent on it. I hated porn. It was ruining my marriage. It ruined me. I hated everything about it. Why couldn’t I be like one of them girls? Why couldn’t my ex-husband turn to me instead of them? What could a phone call to them do for him that I couldn’t? I became very depressed. I had friends to talk about it with but it was never enough. No one knew full heartedly what I had to live with on a daily basis. I took it out on myself; I hated myself. I wanted to be someone I wasn’t, I wanted to be loved and needed. How could someone who vowed to love me and promised to forsake all others, do this?

After two years of living that kind of life, I was fed up. I kicked him out and I moved on. I hated porn after that. The situation with him gave me a complex that took what felt like forever to come to terms with. It was him. It wasn’t me, it wasn’t porn, it wasn’t the girls, but it was HIM. He had a problem and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t help him. My pain wasn’t enough for him to stop. That’s his problem, not mine. I’m normal, he was the fucked up one.

I didn’t watch porn for over a decade. It made me uncomfortable, made me think of him and made me feel inadequate. It wasn’t until I met Brandon and we were married that I was comfortable enough to even talk about what I had experienced with my ex and the porn industry.

Brandon showed me how men should behave and use porn respectfully and responsibly. He opened my eyes to a side of it that I had never seen. It’s not something that’s dirty or meant to make me feel inadequate. It is a tool we use to break the bedroom silence; a wonderful tool. I don’t just mean Video pornography. I mean the WHOLE SHABANG; games, toys, lotions, oils, pictures, movies, EVERYTHING.

When Brandon and I first became intimate it was an instant spark. There was no awkwardness; we were completely in sync. I had never experienced intimacy like that. What I thought to be amazing at the time has turned out to be some of our least intimate moments.  Over the years we have had some of the most mind-blowing sexual encounters you could think of. A lot of those include Pornography. It helps both of us open up and discuss things. Pornography brings an added sense of enjoyment to an already blissful experience, for both of us.

I don’t want to go too deep into my sex life but this is for sure one guilty pleasure that I think all would enjoy if done properly and tactfully. In my first marriage it was all about him, it was not shared, it was a secret. Brandon and I don’t have secrets like that. If there’s something either of us wants to try, we do it.  We manipulate the situation to where both of us are getting what we need to get out of it, and are comfortable in doing so. Brandon doesn’t NEED porn and I don’t NEED porn but it’s fun to watch it with him. We talk about what they’re doing or not doing and get ourselves in the mood. It’s fun to play racy games and dress raunchy for him.

I feel like I shouldn’t enjoy something that once brought me such pain. It was an inner struggle that I had to deal with in order to move on; now that same inner struggle is one of my favorite past times with my husband. I’m not addicted but I’ll tell ya what, I love watching porn with Brandon; it’s a guilty pleasure of mine.

 

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6 thoughts on “Guilty Pleasure

  1. Thanks for sharing something so personal- if it is something that you can both enjoy, nothing to feel guilty about! Glad you were able to turn your situation with your first husband into a learning moment so you could really open up with Brandon.

  2. How awesome that you have a beautiful and open relationship with your husband. Playing games and being open about your likes and dislikes for your relationship is healthy and it seens like you guys have a pretty healthy one!

    Thank you for opening up about such a personal subject 🙂

    • Lol. Thanks. I was nervous about the repercussions of sharing such an intimate topic. But I feel like pornography addiction is rarely talked about despite it being as tragic as any other addiction. Ive had a lot. Of women reach out and say they went through a similar situation. Some have been able to find a healthy boundary like brandon and I while others are still completely put off by the topic. To each their own, I’m thankful for.our boundaries.

  3. I’m late but I made it! Lady… you’ve got balls and that is awesome. You never know where Sunday Confessions are going to take you, but I’m so glad that you had both a negative and positive experience to bring to the table. I, too, have had some similar experiences. It sounds like your story ended up with the right man and I’m so happy for you. Thanks for being here. Hope to see you again soon!

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