Denial

I’m in denial with a lot of things in my life but the biggest one is weight loss.

I love all things bad for my body. I love tanning, I love eating, I love watching TV, I love drinking, I love smoking, I love chocolate and I love sitting on my butt all day. I hate exercise, I hate being outside, I hate sweating and I hate putting forth an effort on my appearance. I really suck at being a healthy human being.

I have the motivation in me. I’ve lost the weight before but I have always gotten pregnant and gained it back. With my tubes tied now I know that once I lose the weight this time it’s gone. But who the hell wants to spend hours at a gym? Who wants to sweat? Not me. You know what I want to do all damn day; sit on Facebook.

I cancelled my YMCA membership 6 months ago. Brandon got me a treadmill and an Elliptical which aside from a few weight lifting machines is all I really used at the gym anyways. I haven’t really used either yet and probably never will. I’ll never forget the day I cancelled my membership. It was beyond awkward for me. I hate doing things like that, it’s like breaking up with someone face to face.

I walked up to the lady at the front desk. People came in after me and they needed to get their card swiped. So I leaned in close to the lady and said in a loud whisper, “who do I speak with about cancelling my membership?” She looked me up and down. I know what she was thinking. Shit, I was thinking it too. You NEED this membership. I did need it but screw her. I couldn’t afford it and my amazing husband brought me machines home! I had such high hopes.

The YMCA lady really had nerve though. She said, “before you cancel your membership you really need to ask yourself, is this the best thing for me? In a couple of months you may need our services again. Are you sure this is the best decision for you?’ I wanted to scream, “CANCEL MY DAMN MEMBERSHIP!” But I didn’t. I just said, “Yeah I’m good.” I wasn’t good. I needed that membership. I still do.

I had Brandon wheel the treadmill out to the curb. We put a “free” sign on it and someone took it home in a matter of hours. That particular treadmill wasn’t strong enough for my huge hinny. Excuses, excuses. The elliptical squeaks and hops when I use it. Excuses, Excuses. I’ve only used it for 5 minutes. I was scared for my life. I don’t want to die on an elliptical. If I’m dieing, it’s while having sex and eating chocolate. Excuses, Excuses! So I decided I will just cut back on my food intake and whatever I lose I’ll be happy with. I haven’t lost shit. Not one pound in six months.

I would love to continue writing but someone gifted me a bix of chocolate candies and they aren’t going to eat themselves. You see folks, that’s denial at it’s best. Excuses, excuses.

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Completely worth it.

 

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4 thoughts on “Denial

  1. I’ll eat the cookies for you. If you’ll eat the white sauce, homemade Mac n cheese, stews, breads, cobblers and so on that I experiment on my family with. I’ll take your elliptical if you can convince me water tastes good. Someone needs to work out my body for all the exercises, cleanses and healthy eating crap I’ve saved to my phone; reality is it ain’t happened yet. I’m right there with you. It’s hard but if you’ll start somewhere I will too. I hate that I’m lying here, my asthmatic lungs wheezing like a squeeze box and I know at this rate I won’t be able to keep up with my special needs five year old. I’m not scared. I’m not denying my weight or how it got there. There’s too many excuses as to how it happened. But I know I’ll be better once it’s gone.

    Again… I will if you will. We can.

    Loves mama.

    – Barb

    • Every other time Ive lost the extra 150 lbs, it was bc I wanted to, I needed to. For myself. I know I need too, but I dont want it bad enough… yet. Anyday now Im gonna wake up and be ready. I really need a sturdy treadmill. I LOVE turning up my music and joggin it out. I feel like a badass after jogging 2 or 3 miles during naptime. It helps with stress. But my heart has to be in it and its not. But you bet your ass youll get a fb msg from me, I need a good support system. Brandon is awesome, he loves me no matter what, I was 100 lbs heavier than I am now, when we started dating. BUT Brandons also one of those ppl who eat 7 dbl cheeseburgers and still loses 10 lbs. Lol. Its very frustrating.

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