I just recently celebrated the one year anniversary of becoming a SAHM mom. By celebrated, I clearly mean posting about it on Facebook. No one was throwing me a party for the decision I made. No one even said, “hey thanks mom for sitting at home with us all day. Thanks for making sandwiches or scrubbing pee off the floors.” Nope. No one else even acknowledge my SAHM-AVERSARY. Really though, I’m fine. with that.
Maybe when they’re older they’ll see what I gave up for them and for our family; the good, the bad, the future, the money. Not that any of it was certain or that any of it means more to me than my kids because that’s not even close to what I mean. I may die before I get the thank you, I want so bad. It’s not their fault, they’re young. Way to young to get it. Its my own fault. Why do I need to hear it so badly? I see it on their faces and I feel it in their hugs and kisses. Why do I need to hear it? It doesn’t matter. When or if I ever get that ‘Thank You’ it will mean so much, but that’s not why I do what I do.
When I found out I was pregnant with Jace, I became very guilty. It’s not something I discussed with anyone other than Brandon. I felt like strangers where raising my kids. They were not bad or imposing morally wrong beliefs on my kids; just at what point in time was I going to step up and take on more than just a financial responsibility to my kids? I was there for them but not nearly as much as I wanted to or they needed me to be. I was just doing bare minimum.
In order for them to be in a structured daycare, the one that we liked; they had to be there Mon-Fri. My work schedule was Wed-Sun. We enrolled them there because that’s what was best for our family. We went 5 years of never having a steady weekend daycare provider. They would spend some weekend days with family members or I’d pay a friend. It was never anything stable. I knew it wasn’t right. It hurt my heart, that I had to send my babies somewhere every day; but if I didn’t we couldn’t have survived. I would wake up crying because I missed them. I was missing everything. I missed birthdays, holidays and EVERY day. I was Mommy but I was not their primary care giver. My heart hurt so bad.
Jaelyn was having outrageous issues that I still don’t know the reason behind. Jenna was so shy and introverted. The longer it went, the bigger toll it took on my pregnant body. Knowing that I was bringing another child into this weighed very heavy on my heart. I was put on bed-rest for the last month of Jaces pregnancy. Though I could not fully care for my kids at least I was there more. I was there when they woke up and I was there when they went to bed. I needed that and I loved every minute I spent with them, but the fear of going back to work haunted me.
After delivering Jace, the need to be home grew greater. All three of my babies needed me and I needed them. I was home with them for 3 months before I was to return back to work. Jaelyn and I rekindled the mamas boy bond that we once had shared so greatly and his outrageous issues slowly subsided. Jenna was coming out of her shell. She laughed more, played harder and smiled bigger. And then I would look at Jace and all I could think was how amazing he was and how all the kids started off this way and then they changed because I wasn’t around. Now they were changing back because I came back. How would this change Baby Jace? I cried all the time. I couldn’t go back to work. I couldn’t leave my babies. I could NEVER leave them again.
The week after I had Jace, Brandon switched careers. A sure thing was no longer a sure thing. He was happier at his new job and I could see it on his face after work everyday. His body was taking a beating but mentally he was better off. Because of the schedule at Brandon’s new job and the schedule at my old job, there was no way I could return to work. Neither of us would ever see the kids. We took the biggest leap of faith in the company Brandon works for now and said to hell with it all. I quit my job!
The looks I got from people; they couldn’t believe I quit my job. I was walking away from a federal position and all the amazing benefits it came with. What people fail to realize is every one of those benefits came with a price tag, one I was no longer willing to pay.
Every day I get to spend with my kids is a day I’m thankful for. We may not have all the materialistic things we once had but that’s ok. Because now we have each other more so than we ever have had before. The first question of the day is no longer “whose watching us today” but rather, “what are we doing today Mommy?” And that makes it all worth it.
My kids have my full attention every minute of every day. Unless I’m blogging or playing on Facebook. The uncertainty that once loomed in the back of mind is gone. No one is going to love my children and care for them the way I do. Every day that we all survive with smiles on our faces is a thank you to me. I just need to realize it.