I couldn’t imagine life without being able to randomly wet willy any of my children at any given time. They know if you mess with me, I will get you. When raising kids if you’re not having a blast then you’re prolly not doing it right.
Brandon and I both enjoy the funny things from our childhood. So when he hears -on Facebook– about me giving the kids a wedgie, wet willy or noogie, I don’t really understand the look he gives me. His initial response is never what I expect. I think he’s just trying to be the composed father figure. That’s a really hard role to fill when you wear Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle pajamas. I’m not knocking the PJs; he’s always sexy to me and I bought the damn things but c’mon pick a side homie. You either wedgie that kid or you don’t. You either rock those TMNT pants or you don’t. So don’t give me that look Brandon, that shit ends today. You know I’m freakin’ awesome and everything I do is awesome. Come ride the wedgie train with me baby.
You know why it’s ok to give your kid a wedgie? Because I said so. Haven’t you heard I’m the “World’s Best Mommy”? I have a coffee cup, magnet and shirt to prove it.
Wedgies, wet willies and noogies are not a cruel or unusual punishment, it’s actually the opposite. In a way I’m preparing them to be tough in case they’re the ones getting the wedgies in school. They can laugh in the face of their bully. That’s what I tell myself to help me sleep better at night. Take that away from me and I’ll cut you!
It all started one day when I was trying to wrestle with Jaelyn. I used to be able to pick him up, twirl him around and pretend to drop him. Not anymore, he’s a 102 lb 7-year-old. I can’t hang like I used too.
He was getting the best of me and had me pinned. I probably could have gotten out of it but instead I stuck my finger in my mouth; made sure to get it real wet and screamed “WET WILLY!”
When my finger touched his ear he looked like he shit himself. It was the greatest thing ever, he jumped right up and ran away from me. I was saved by the wet willy wrestling move I invented.
After explaining what a wet willy was and reminding him numerous times they’re for home usage only, we went to war; wet willy war. We chased each other around the house, circling the table, hiding in closets, under blankets and in cabinets, all in the name of being crowned The Wet Willy Winner. I won because well, I always win. It was so much fun, I felt like a kid again.
One day when Jenna was in the kitchen being sassy, I slowly crept up from behind and gave her a wedgie. Her sassiness generally only warrants a verbal scolding but this time she was being sassy to everyone. I can’t even remember what she was saying but I will never forget her post wedgie reaction.
Jenna said, “my panties are up my butt and in my coochie why’d you do that?”
I replied, “because someone needed to knock you down a few notches.” I explained what a wedgie was and about home usage only.
Her and Jaelyn chased each other around for over an hour trying to give the other one a wedgie. However, no wedgies were administered amongst themselves. It gave me an hour of free time though. That’s winning. I would say everyone was a winner that day, except Jenna. But she’s cool with wedgies now. She told Jaelyn’s behavioral therapist that it was a fun, nice way for her and Jaelyn to play together.
I challenge each and every one of you to administer a wet willy, noogie or wedgie to your kids at least once a week. It really is fun, but if you’re hesitant just tell them it’s from me. I can take this one for the team, I got you.
Now go do it and tell me about it, hurry!